Tarzan and Jane
“Tarzan and Jane” by Jim Talbot
(from Hash)

The following are from an old forwarded email from a while back. Much as I like to credit the source, I can’t. But they are funny. So here goes …

  1. To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their”p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note. (Mooiness says: it’s true. Even though I is not sentimental, I once kept such a letter because it made my room smell good.)
  2. A man has six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. (Mooiness says: well eight actually – they left out the antiperspirant/deodorant and the $4 tub of el-cheapo hair-gel.)
  3. Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place a part of the foreplay. (Mooiness says: hey, let’s not forget the taking off of clothes. That’s foreplay too.)
  4. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. (Mooiness says: And for dates number 1 to 3 with a new woman. If we get to date number 3 anyway.)
  5. Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. (Mooiness says: Well I do my laundry at home, but everything else is true. If it passes the smell test, it’s good for another go. This applies to everything except underwear – I’m not that disgusting.)
  6. Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. (Mooiness says: I prefer face-to-face. Plus, mobile phone bills are expensive, yo!)
  7. When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game’s just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. (Mooiness says: Ladies, you can’t deny this. EVER.)