True story this. Well, an amalgation of separate events …

  1. Discover that out of 12 people who had the same sushi and sashimi, you are the only one who is feeling the tummy rumbles.
  2. You are in the middle of the dance floor.
  3. You feel the urgency but you can’t run. Even if you can, people are in your way. You walk agonisingly towards the toilets, working those abs, clenching them like they’ve never been clenched before.
  4. You walk into the stinky toilets. There’s only one stall.
  5. Someone’s in it. You look up at the ceiling thinking, “Please please please hurry up.”
  6. You hurrily rush in after the person left. The stench is over-powering but you’ve got more important things to worry about, like not crapping in your pants.
  7. Fuck, the door doesn’t close properly.
  8. You hurrily wipe down the toilet seat, only to realise – shit (pun, haha), you haven’t left much for yourself. Fuck fuck fuck.
  9. Too late to do anything about it – you just gotta go.
  10. You balance yourself on the creaky toilet seat with one foot pushing the door, holding it close.
  11. And … you let it all out. Ahhhh. And it goes, and it goes and it goes. It sounds like you are peeing … from your ass.
  12. Oh no, your door-closing leg is starting to cramp up. Hurry up asshole (yours, that is)! Pee, err … poo it all out!
  13. Woo! All done! Now about that toilet paper problem. 4 squares. 1-ply. Think, damn it. Ok, fold it over twice, clench your ass real tight, wipe and hope for the best. Hmm, just a bit more to go but you’ve ran out of toilet paper.
  14. Looking at your hand. Thinking. Looking. Thinking. “It has to be done, dude.” Shut up, I know!
  15. Ugh, sorry hand. *wipe* Ok, you think that’s all of it.
  16. Stand up, push your back against the door to keep it close. Pull your pants up with your one clean hand. You don’t even want to look at your other hand.
  17. Flush. Wait for the water to refill. And you flush once more, but this time you dip your hand into the rushing water near the top. You had to do it, there was no choice.
  18. And finally, you exit the stall and you wash your hands. With soap, lots of it.
  19. You walk out, flashing a silly contented smile to yourself. Fucking sushi!

Yes, it has happened more than once, hence the word “amalgation” up top, but some toilets are better than others – doors that close properly, the floors are dry and there’s plenty of toilet paper.

Woo anyways, onwards to Godskitchen tonight! Woohoo! :mrgreen: