Tham asked me the other day what’s the longest that I have been in a relationship for, and I said, “2 months”. To which he said, “So you’ve had a string of fuck buddies then.” Hah, if only!
I’ve now been single for 5 years, going into my 6th. Before that, for about 10 years I would have a different girlfriend every 2 years with the shortest relationship lasting just 4 weeks. I have a theory about why it was like that.
I think back then, 2 years was the longest time that I can go without sex so it was only natural that I would get into a relationship every 2 years. But once I get into a relationship, the emotional maintenance starts to get to me and before long I’d figured that it wasn’t worth it.
I think that if there wasn’t any emotional maintenance involved, I would have probably stayed in these relationships longer. The physical side of things requires less effort and less thinking. So yeah, if my girlfriends were fuck buddies instead, my longest time spent in a relationship would have probably been longer than 2 months.
But if they were fuck buddies, that would mean that they weren’t girlfriends. I may not care about the emotional maintenance but it doesn’t mean that I don’t like having an emotional connection with someone. I still think that sex is better when you have an emotional connection.
All these years, I’ve been coping well emotionally because I’ve got my friends and family, and my dogs. Physically, there’s porn and masturbation and paying for it 3 times so far. But sex with someone else that I cared about? I miss having that on a regular basis.
And yet I lose interest in someone new very quickly these days, over the smallest of reasons – it’s probably a defense mechanism and my warped idea of not bothering with relationships or trying to get into one because of how I feel about the work that goes into maintaining one. I’m doomed, aren’t I?