I bumped into her tonight – the girl that I once went after, and she was with the guy that she chose over me. I made pleasantries and some small talk and then joined my friends at another end of the restaurant. My immediate thoughts were not nice:

• She doesn’t look as good as before,
• He hasn’t aged well.

Which I thought was a very envious way of handling the situation, a very sour-grapey way of looking at things. After the initial impulsive reaction, I realise that I really don’t feel anything at all. This happened ten years ago and I got over it in the first month way back then. I think this reflex to think bad of the opposing party is probably a way my psyche protects itself. Though fortunately, by upbringing or by genetics or both, I usually don’t dwell on what could have been and what should have been.

Every experience good or bad shapes us into the person we are. And every road not taken leads us to something else new that we never thought of. I was disappointed when she didn’t pick me but I am thankful for the path that I went down because of that.

We can’t go back and we shouldn’t go backwards because then we’d miss out on what’s in front of us.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost

Used to be there was only the mobile phone to make a fool of yourself with when you were drunk. Now, you’ve got Facebook too. When drunk, you really should not log into Facebook. But if you are already there, these are the things that you definitely do not want to do.

1. Attempting to have what you may think is an intellectual and mind blowing conversation via a wall post or comment thread. Wall posts and comments are public. This will be what happens when you read it in the morning.

   
   (source: senorgif.com)

2. Oversharing. TMI. STFU or GTFO.
3. Posting a photo of your friend who is way more drunk than you are. Something like this. You will not be friends in the morning.

(source: latenightmistakes.com)

4. Troll through the “People You May Know” list and adding the hot ones.
5. And then messaging them “a/s/l? *smiley face*” – this ain’t IRC fool. Oh that was some sort of retro humour? Stop it. You are not funny.
6. Adding an ex – she’s the one who dumped you. What makes you think she wants to be Facebook friends with you. And who would stay friends after a break up anyway? Stupid people that’s who.
7. Message that hot girl you used to know in school with “So erm, you used to be hot. What happened?”
8. Hover over the “Add Friend” button of that friend of a friend. You only met once, she didn’t think you were funny and she’s avoided eye contact ever since. She’s not gonna add you, no matter how awesome you think you are right now. Move that finger away from the mouse.
9. Liking ONE person’s comments, photos and status updates all over the place. She’s not gonna think that you’re sweet. She’s gonna block you, you psycho stalker.

10. See that a hot girl has changed her relationship status to “Single” and message with, “So hey you are available again huh? Wanna meet for drinks? *smiley face*”

On Saturday, I overheard Will & Woody on 92.9 talking about an ingenious system to help single people. They were talking about how men and women, even when they are taken, will flirt with single people regardless. Some more shamelessly than others and that is really confusing to genuine single people.

Asking people upfront if they are single or not is just very awkward. And so is putting the moves on someone and being all charming, only for them to casually mention that they have a boyfriend/girlfriend already. It’s a major bang balls moment.

So it is suggested that people should wear cab lights. You know, the lights on a taxi that tells you if the taxi is free to be picked up, occupied, or on the way to do a pick up.

The system is set up like so:

• People who are taken will have no lights on.
• People who are single but is eyeing somebody else already should have one yellow light on or two yellow lights on, depending on how high maintenance they are.
• People who are single and available should have the bright white light turned on.

See diagram below:

(source)

Provided that people are honest about their situation and change the lights display accordingly, this would also make it easy to judge whether a club was worth going to. If the dance floor has lotsa lights on, it’s worth going to.

It would be great if this was real and practical because then there would be no ambiguity and no mind-fucking. Well, less of it anyway. Because seriously, when are we ever truly honest about these things?

1. Don’t tell her to relax. Don’t say that she’s over-reacting. Don’t ever EVAR use the phrase, “Don’t be so emotional”.
2. Just shut up and listen. You are not helping by offering a solution, especially when it’s a perfectly logical solution. Women don’t want or need your logic.
3. Don’t make jokes about her period and/or its symptoms. You will instead memorise her cycle and learn to live with it. Don’t compound her mood-swings by arguing about her mood-swings. See #1. If you can’t handle it, leave the room and let her be.
4. When she asks you to do something, it’s not a request.
5. Anytime that she tells you that she likes something, mental-note it. You are expected to remember and there will be many exams.
6. When she asks you if she looks ok/fat in something, don’t be brutally honest. Instead, say something like “I prefer that other dress”. That way, even if she doesn’t go with what you prefer and she won’t most of the time because “you don’t know anything about fashion and why did I even bother asking you”, you haven’t ruined her self-confidence for the day.
7. You don’t have to be spontaneous but you have to be automatic. Know the difference.
8. Say sorry and be done with it but make sure to at least pretend that you know what you are saying sorry for. Otherwise, you’ll also be saying sorry for not knowing what you are saying sorry for.
9. Not complaining about what she does for you is not the same as complimenting her for what she does for you. And a simple thank-you goes a long way.
10. All of the above should be reserved only for those who are worthy.

Remember, a happy woman is more willing to indulge your own neurotic whims.

I’ve wrote about this topic multiple times now …

• I’ve said that it can be possible if there is minimal or no sexual tension. Note I used the word “tension” and not “attraction” because I believe that you can find someone physically attractive without lusting after them.

  “Men and Women Can’t Be Friends”

• I’ve said that there’s nothing wrong being platonic friends with a girl, unless you happen to like them.

  Being the platonic friend is not that bad.

• I’ve also wondered about what if I liked men and there were no friend zone bullshit to deal with.

  Sexual frustration leads to gay talk.

And then this clip comes along and summarises it more succinctly than I can, by posing this very question to college guys and girls. If you don’t know it already, the difference in the way guys and girls think of this is HUGE.

Short answer: if they don’t mind boinking you, it’s not really a friendship anymore. And well, what’s so wrong about that?

Feminine charms allow women to get away with a lot of things, especially with guys. I say boo to that. You girls should know this: the only reason why some guys let you get away with the bullshit that you pull on them is because they are either shagging you or they want to shag you. And even then there’s a limit.

The rest of us who aren’t infatuated with you will treat you the way we would treat a guy friend and that is we would call you out on your crap and put you in your place. The day that we can’t even be bothered with that is the day that we can’t be bothered with the friendship anymore either.

It doesn’t have to come to that and we are not asking for a lot. A little common decency, consideration and politeness goes a long way. That’s how you want to be treated yourself, right?

And if you are a guy and you constantly find yourself being taken for granted by your female friends, this mantra will serve you well.

Her boyfriend is the one who has to put up with her shit because he’s the one who gets the poontang.

Tham and I had another one of our many discussions about man-woman dynamics recently. This time it was about how some girls instinctively put up their defensive shields when approached by single men. It is therefore pleasantly refreshing when we find out a girl is carefree and relaxed when she’s being chatted up. Even if we don’t like the girl that way we enjoy talking to girls who don’t question our motives and think that we are up to something. It’s so much easier and is one of the reasons that I hang out with married women. Hahah!

However, there is a downside to the girl being super friendly. If a guy is inexperienced or does not know any better he can easily mistake her friendliness and openness for her liking him romantically. That’s not a fault of the girl though – every guy should know this mantra by heart:

It’s all a lie until she touches your happy bits.

Another downside for the girl who’s popular with the guys is that she will inevitably attract bitchy comments from other girls. As sure as the sun will rise from the east, women can be catty to each other in their own clique and will be outright mean to those whom they have deemed not worthy or perceived to have wrong them in some way. And a girl who’s sucking all the male attention in the room away from them fits the bill perfectly. Women really are their own worst enemy.

Wholesome Lindsay Lohan is the best kind of Lindsay Lohan.