1. Don’t tell her to relax. Don’t say that she’s over-reacting. Don’t ever EVAR use the phrase, “Don’t be so emotional”.
2. Just shut up and listen. You are not helping by offering a solution, especially when it’s a perfectly logical solution. Women don’t want or need your logic.
3. Don’t make jokes about her period and/or its symptoms. You will instead memorise her cycle and learn to live with it. Don’t compound her mood-swings by arguing about her mood-swings. See #1. If you can’t handle it, leave the room and let her be.
4. When she asks you to do something, it’s not a request.
5. Anytime that she tells you that she likes something, mental-note it. You are expected to remember and there will be many exams.
6. When she asks you if she looks ok/fat in something, don’t be brutally honest. Instead, say something like “I prefer that other dress”. That way, even if she doesn’t go with what you prefer and she won’t most of the time because “you don’t know anything about fashion and why did I even bother asking you”, you haven’t ruined her self-confidence for the day.
7. You don’t have to be spontaneous but you have to be automatic. Know the difference.
8. Say sorry and be done with it but make sure to at least pretend that you know what you are saying sorry for. Otherwise, you’ll also be saying sorry for not knowing what you are saying sorry for.
9. Not complaining about what she does for you is not the same as complimenting her for what she does for you. And a simple thank-you goes a long way.
10. All of the above should be reserved only for those who are worthy.

Remember, a happy woman is more willing to indulge your own neurotic whims.

For mom’s 65th birthday last Wednesday, we took her to a Japanese restaurant called Zen in Subiaco. Because why? Because she lurves Japanese food. Ok, on with the food porn.

We had their signature dish, soft-shell crab sushi called the Spider Roll. It was NICE.

The mixed sashimi with a raw oyster covered with roe. Dad loved it.

We also had the beef tataki …

And tuna tataki.

It was an awesome dinner. Happy 65th Mom!

One fine day, I asked my mother …

Me: Hey mom, how long did you breast feed me for?
Mom: Never.
Me: What?
Mom: Never.
Me: Not even once?
Mom: Nope.
Me: Maybe that’s why I like boobs so much. I’m making up for lost time.
Mom: No, you like boobs because you are a dirty old man.
Me: Heyyyyy … 37 is not old.

The old school Asian man …

May not compliment his wife on her cooking
But he will eat anything she cooks without complaints.

May walk ahead of her
But he will always turn around and wait
Before walking off again.

May not praise her looks all the time
But he never criticises her either.

May not always show that he cares
But he will wake up at 5 in the morning
To pick her up from the airport.

This old school Asian man is my father and today is his birthday. Happy birthday dad!

Mom bites into a piece of mandarin and squealed. She takes the rest of the mandarin and gives it to me.

Mom: Here, have the rest of it.
Me: What makes you think I’d want it after seeing you spit it out?
Mom: Because you like being sour.

Oh snap.

It is always fascinating and interesting listening to my mom tell the stories of her love life. And whenever she gives me her thoughts about relationships, I realise that there isn’t much difference between our generations when it comes to affairs of the heart. Even though things happen quicker now and people are more impatient with their relationships, it’s still the same shit just with newer technology. Heh.

I once mentioned briefly about one of her more dramatic stories. She had broken up with her boyfriend of three years due to the persistent presence of his ex-girlfriend in their lives. Upon the persuasion of his mother and sister, and his written marriage proposal to her though (he was in Sydney and my mom was back in Penang), my mom decided to get back together with him.

However, his ex-girlfriend found out and wrote my mom a long letter. In it, she used the words “prepare for him to have a mistress” because she will never give him up. She also threatened to kill herself if she can’t have him. Long story short, my mom broke up with him again and he would eventually marry his ex-girlfriend.

It was all very melodramatic but this story showed how pragmatic my mom was. By breaking up with the guy, she took the painful decision away from him and it made for a quicker resolution. Whether or not the other girl deserves the guy is another story. My mom didn’t see the point of dragging out the fight with an irrational person. It may seemed like she lost but I think she was the winner.

She thinks with her head and not her heart and I feel that I share her logical approach to these things. For that I’m thankful.

Mom and grandpa, 1969

Mom’s 6-foot tall ex wearing a jumper that she knitted for him, 1970. If she had married this guy, I would have been taller and looked like Andy Lau.

Me: Hey mom, come and look at this photo of me.
Mom: Yeah?
Me: You can see my scalp up top. It looks like my hair is thinning.
Mom: *looks at my head* It’s not that obvious.
Me: But it’s thinning right?
Mom: It’s just the lighting in that photo. Why, are you worried?
Me: Well no. But I thought if it’s starting to thin, I might just shave it all off.
Mom: Don’t.
Me: Why not?
Mom: You don’t have a good looking skull.

I think I look ok in a beanie and that’s a close approximation right? Heheh.