As part of my daily work, I trawl through sites that outline new Internet security threats and software vulnerabilities. Most of the time it’s a pretty dull and humourless affair. But today, the geek whose turn it was to “man the watch tower” so to speak for this particular site decides to be funny. And it turned out he was.
The first part of the security analysis is a recount of him being chastised by a coffee shop waitress for using their wireless without buying anything. The second part is the actual analysis: read only if you are a masochist or if you are slightly interested in what keeps system administrators up at night. Some snippets from it:
“Buy something or get out. You can’t just come in here and sit at our tables and use the free wireless all afternoon. You have to buy something.”
“Ok. Fine. I’ll order something. What’s the cheapest thing you sell?”
Both the way she rolls her eyes, and her long, drawn-out sigh scream “I want you.” She can barely contain herself as she takes my order for a kid-sized fruit punch. I sense a shiver of ecstasy run through her body when, as she is walking back to the counter, I add “Shaken, not stirred.”
“You know… the stuff about e-gold and owning a bunch of laptops. Why did you say that? Are you trying to impress me or something? Do you think that you can walk your bland chubby middle-aged self in here, order the cheapest thing on the menu so you can use our wireless, and then toss out some bull about owning gold and laptops and impress me?”
“I was only trying to make conversation…” I explain.
“Well don’t,” she says, looking suddenly like some evil arch-villain. “I don’t expect you to talk, Mr. Bland… I expect you to buy.”
I’m not l33t, I’m just a geek.