This Saturday I will be attending the wedding of an old friend. I will be going alone like I have been for many weddings in the past few years. However, this wedding is different because I’ve dated the bride previously.
Though we both had liked each other, nothing came out of it. We never went past the dating stage. We never even went past hugs and hand-holding. It was all very innocent.
A few weeks into it, she had suddenly turned cold. I had trouble getting her to see me. The last straw was when she finally agreed to see me and then cancelled on me at the last minute. I was angry and frustrated. However, a week of self-doubt and questioning later I decided that was that. I went over to her house and dropped off a gift that I had bought earlier, and told her housemate to pass on the message that I get the hint and that I’m not going to call her again.
She must’ve felt guilty because she then asked to see me. It was awkward and she never told me why she had turned cold. Though maybe it’s because I didn’t care enough anymore to ask. For eight months after that, I never contacted her. She then called me out of the blue and told me that she was moving to Sydney. We caught up briefly before she left and more or less reconciled – my feelings got stirred again but I wasn’t about to get into a long-distance relationship. I don’t believe in LDRs.
I caught up with her a few times after that. One time when I saw her in Sydney I felt that we got closer once more but again, my Capricorn logic told me to forget about it. I was not about to move to Sydney and she wasn’t coming back. But at least we could talk to each other normally again.
Only recently did I get to know from a mutual friend that she had turned cold because at the time, she was looking to settle down and I didn’t give her a sense of security. I argued that we had only known each other for a few weeks and that that wasn’t fair to me.
Though it’s too late now I guess. The kicker is that the friend tells me that her fiance is not her first choice. But he was available emotionally at the right time and at the right place. He was there for her, and I wasn’t. Emotionally I was not here in Perth, and physically I was not there in Sydney.
So how do I feel about going to the wedding this Saturday? Ambivalent. Not just because I’d be going alone. I’m happy for her, but yet I can’t stop thinking about what-if. I had moved on a while ago but getting the wedding invitation just brought it all back again.
Though I’m not one who’d cry into his drink. Because we never ended up together, I had met so many people and had many wonderful experiences that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. The road of life is funny like that. Forks and turns are expected, and a detour is not necessarily a bad thing.