What do you do when you change your mind about someone?

July 19, 2007 9:44 PM

Couple eating icecream by Tombre @ stock.xchng

We wade through the bad dates so that
we might be lucky enough to stumble onto a good one
(picture credit: Tombre @ stock.xchng)

It could be any kind of situation where two person could meet, but mostly where the first few encounters involve shallow chit-chat, alcohol consumption, attraction to their looks and maybe even a little dancing. Or it could be mostly virtual: numbers or email addresses were swapped early on, and flirty messaging ensued.

Then you decided to take it to the next level by going on a proper date where you’re both sober, where you see each other in brighter lights and you can hear each other speak properly. Suddenly all that mysterious and flirtatious fun you had before isn’t so mysterious or fun anymore. In a split second, you’ve changed your mind about the other person.

The polite thing to do would be to at least sit through the date, but then comes the tricky bit: how do you end the date without giving the other person hope of another one, but without being cruel and heartless about it?

Are there any other alternatives to saying, “I’ll call you” as a soft let-down? Do you sugar-coat it even more by saying, “Thanks I have a lovely time. We should do this again soon”? Or would that be giving the other person false hope? Another one that I’ve heard used is, “Give me a call sometime” which is of course, code for “please don’t”.

Out of the above, I’ve used “I’ll call you”. Think I deserved my dry-patch now?

And if you were the unfortunate person who got pre-dumped, how many ignored calls or messages would you allow before calling it quits? My limit is two. If the person is into you, he or she won’t be ignoring your calls and messages.

Human courtship, eh? Sometimes I wish we can skip it all and just get to the point. It’s hard enough to look for someone who you can start a relationship with. In between all the potentially good ones, you gotta wade through the ones who are maybes only – the ones where you have to be evil and be a totally cold bitch or bastard with.

The ones which will make you question yourself, “Who am I to be rejecting him/her?”

Too many questions. And I’m still sick so this is too much thinking for one night. But feel free to continue in the comments. πŸ˜‰

12 thoughts on “What do you do when you change your mind about someone?

  1. sourrain

    is this your way of telling me you don like me anymore????

    I believe that everyone should be given a chance. I will go on a date with most tom dick and harry, even if initial impressions are not good, because I believe that you should not judge a book by its cover. Thus ending me in the position at the end of the night that I realized I really,really don’t like them that way.

    My usual tactic is,”Thanks, we should do this again, with xx, xx and xx”…thus making it/us a group thing with friends. I think my letdown would be that I won’t be caught dead alone with them again – hopefully they would understand.

    yeah, sorry, i am a chicken, I can’t just come out and say I DONT LIKE YOU THAT WAY, PERV.

  2. blur ting

    Heh heh, I’ve never been dumped, so I don’t quite know how to advise.

    But I can say that, as a girl, we’ll be anxious to know what the guy thinks about the whole date thing, whether they like us or not etc. So, we’ll kinda wait for a sign, like a phone call, message or email.

    Even if we do not really like the guy or wanna continue seeing him, we still wanna know our position.

    If we’re really into the guy, we’ll be over the moon to see positive comments (like smile foolishly for a long time). But if we do not wanna see the person again, we’ll probably just avoid replying or just give some very neutral answers. The receiver should be able to tell the difference.

    Unless the girl is trying to lead him on, or play with his feelings…that’s another story…

  3. mooiness Post author

    sourrain: Heheh actually your reply of “let’s do this again with xx, xx and xx” is great. You don’t have to be obvious about it and only the thickest person wouldn’t get the hint. Unfortunately, there will be the occasional thick ones. πŸ˜‰

    blur ting: how lucky to never been dumped! I think even if you don’t like the other person in a romantic way, respect of their feelings is important. So subtle hints and not replying calls/msgs is the only soft way to do it. Unless the other person is thick and you’re forced to yell it in their face.

  4. blur ting

    You’re quite right about this:
    “And if you were the unfortunate person who got pre-dumped, how many ignored calls or messages would you allow before calling it quits? My limit is two. If the person is into you, he or she won’t be ignoring your calls and messages.”

    I mean if the girl is really into you, she’ll definitely call back or find some ways to get in touch (even if she’s playing hard to get).

  5. minty

    Its tiring… All the ‘rules, unwritten rules’ of dating. I am beginning to think that its better to be in pre arranged marriages! cut the hassle and the chase.:P

  6. mooiness Post author

    blur ting: that’s right. If there’s mutual attraction, there wouldn’t be much chasing involved.

    minty / herman: I’ve known of two arranged Indian marriages and they both worked out really well. Somemore can put out potential partners from a “catalogue”. And if you don’t click, on to the next selection. It’s very efficient. πŸ˜€

  7. explicist

    it took me like 2 ignored messages and 1 phone call to realise that he’s no longer into me.

    I know its a little late, i know it, just that i chose to be ignorant catching a glimps of hope that maybe… it’ll work out.

    and that happened to my 10 yrs platonic friendship with him and one night folly of intimacy.

  8. clara

    I’m not sure I’ve been on a date (smirk), I seem to interpret being out with a new person as just “hanging out” with them. I could just be completely self-absorbed and ignorant to an outings’ “date” status. Perhaps I see them more as opportunities to find a new friend than a
    potential partner.

    To go with an answer to your question.. if you’re not quite into someone the way you thought you were or would be, say “it was good hanging out with you”. That leaves your lack of attraction to them ambiguous, but maintains that you had a positive experience
    and leaves the proverbial ball in their court. And the phase “hanging out” tends to imply friendship…

  9. mooiness Post author

    explicist: well if you have had hidden feelings for him, I guess it was sooner or later that you’d explore it. At least you found out right?

    clara: ah yes – “hanging out” is a good let down. An excellent let-down would be somewhere in between leaving the ball in their court and hitting it so far out of the park that he can’t even play the game anymore. πŸ˜‰


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