A Single Woman vs. Her Biological Clock


September 13, 2007 9:42 PM

I know it’s different for men and women when it comes to being single. For one, men can always go with younger women; women with younger men, not so much. But to be considered, or to feel as incomplete just because you are single is wrong and not healthy. That’s what I thought when I read this post by a 28 year-old Singaporean woman and what her patronising friend said about her,

Milktea, I don’t want you to be going home all by yourself in the upcoming bridal showers that we’ve got to attend. The thought of seeing and leaving you alone after a night out would just be too depressing. I hope you soon find the one. I am really worried.”

And to think that this was her best friend, who seem to view a boyfriend and the subsequent marriage as a must-have accessory for a woman. How can a woman possibly be happy if she doesn’t attain those things?

I wrote this comment in response,

Hi.

Maybe it’s different for a guy than it is for a girl but I don’t feel what your friend said was right. Somehow in her eyes, to be without a boyfriend or lover is to be deficient.

I am also of the type who wouldn’t mind eating alone in a restaurant – before your friend said that to you, did you enjoy spending time alone shopping and eating? Has that changed since?

To yearn for a partner is normal but don’t rush into it just because everyone else seems to be happy with their relationships (you only see one side), or that you feel left out.

To be in a bad relationship is worse than being alone. And remember, love is only one part of being alive. Don’t lose sight of everything else that you enjoy.

Being single is not deficient though I can understand a woman feeling her biological clock ticking. Ideally, if a woman wants children she should have her first one before she turns 30. (Wikipedia). If her friend had put her words in that context, then perhaps there’s logic to them.


Sun setting and a woman

moose @ stock.xchng

Single mothers are still not well accepted in society. They are usually looked down upon and derided for having gotten pregnant outside of wedlock. In-vitro fertilisation treatments may also be prohibitively expensive for a single working woman.

Another factor that may push a woman towards marriage if she really wants children is if the cost of living is high where she is or where there’s no system of social welfare. Having a committed partner would ease the financial burdens of having a child.

If you feel desperate as you approach your 30s, as people around you who are your age are all settling down and popping out babies, be honest about it – you are doing it because of your maternal instincts and not because getting hitched will somehow enhance your life or bring you additional happiness.

If you are not happy with your life to begin with, getting married is not the solution. The feeling of falling in love and being caught up in the moment may lift you up temporarily, but like a drug the come-down will be harsh when the honeymoon is over.

When you are happy being in your own skin, and your partner is committed to you and to the relationship, only then will a marriage be satisfying in the long term. Otherwise, he’d just be a crutch for your insecurities. And the crutch may grow to resent being the crutch and the whole thing might simply fall apart.

So if you are happy with your single life and the timetable that you’ve set for yourself, don’t let yourself or anyone rush you into a mistake that may last a lifetime. And the technology exists to allow you to be a single parent if you choose so. As much as it pains me to say it, you don’t need a man for that. One good parent is better than two who are ill-suited to form a family together. Especially if either one of them went into it out of desperation.

15 thoughts on “A Single Woman vs. Her Biological Clock

  1. milktea

    Thank you very much for the shoutout and the comment you left. I appreciate it very much. Human nature is such. It’s so hard to explain it don’t you think? I can be happy being single and sad at the same time.

    But yeah, I’ll take your advice and enjoy what I have. In fact, I enjoy every moment of what I have now, including the times I’d feel the pressure. And I definitely won’t plunge into a relationship just because. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  2. Y

    Completely agree. Although it is hard not to get pissed over these “well-meaning” remarks from closed ones, one can’t really fault them for thinking the way society have conditioned them to think, in a way, they don’t know any better or any other way for that matter. I did take offence with a colleague who implied that my time was more expendable and less valuable than his because I am single,(in contrast to his which is extremely precious because he has a family and such), all this while I thought I was being nice by helping him out since he seemed to be struggling, but it’s hasta la vista baby! He can go do his own effing work! hahahaa.

    Reply
  3. LupinTan

    “To be in a bad relationship is worse than being alone. And remember, love is only one part of being alive. Don’t lose sight of everything else that you enjoy.”

    Yet how many people have to go through it to understand, and how many people still haven’t have a clue even after all those bad experince.

    To the singles out there: Don’t worry, we will survive. Is not there isn’t any, it’s just that it’s not time yet. You will always have to wait for a good one to come along.

    Ganbatte.

    Reply
  4. mooiness Post author

    milktea: no worries. Thought you needed to hear an opposing point of view to that of your friend’s. Good to know you understood my reasonings. πŸ™‚

    Y: I believe that once you’ve tell them you’re fine being single a few times, you have the right to be curt or even rude if they keep on repeating it. As for the colleague, he’s an ass. Heheh.

    Lupin: maybe these ppl are addicted to the feeling of love and being in love. It’s not that they can’t stand being single per se they just crave that feeling and their perceptions are clouded, and hence will make the wrong choices. Over and over again. But yeah, I rather get the right one in as few attempts as possible – rather than go for the percentage by serial dating, or serial pursuing. That can get real tiring. Heh.

    Reply
  5. steph

    My friends used to try and set me up all the time, I think they just want us to be as “happy” as they are.
    Having been single for a long time, I relished the alone time, it was totally selfish and fun.

    As for the baby thing. If I don’t have a willing partner by the age of 35 I’ll just go ahead and use a sperm donor or a generous male friend πŸ˜‰

    Reply
  6. yurl

    when you’ve been attached for a long time you appreciate the ‘alone time’. everyone needs personal space and its enjoyable.
    biological clock is no reason to jump into a relationship. One couple I know even had children to ‘save their marriage’ (I can hear your groans already). needless to say they are now divorced and have two beautiful girls caught in their hostile crossfire.

    Reply
  7. mooiness Post author

    steph: I think you need to be ok with being alone before you’d appreciate a relationship to the full. So good on ya!

    yurl: oh noes, the “have a baby to save marriage” technique. Heheh. I can’t believe ppl still think that’ll work.

    mf: heheh thanks for the support! We singles are people too! πŸ˜›

    blur ting: thanks for your kind praise as always!

    Reply
  8. sourrain

    the best part is, there will ALWAYS be people bugging you for more. If you are single,they want you married. if you are married, they want you reproducing. If you’ve reproduced, they want you using their brand of formula. Then its their type of school and tuition ect.

    The question is, do you want to live your life pleasing everyone else but yourself.

    Reply
  9. usuallyquiet

    I agree with this post completely! My Grandmother always said to me “You must enjoy your own company before you enjoy anyone else’s or expect them to enjoy yours.”

    Reply
  10. mooiness Post author

    sourrain: that’s what it all boils down to I guess – the expectations of other people and society in general and the culture that you grow up in.

    usually quiet: yeah I don’t believe in all that “you complete me” romantic bullshit – you have to complete yourself first.

    Reply
  11. Pingback: Mooiness! » Ladies, don’t wait for him

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