Bros before Hos


November 5, 2007 11:41 PM

Yue Fei's mother tattooing his back
Yue-Fei’s mother tattooing the back of the legendary Chinese warrior.
“Yue-Fei’s mother” is Chinese slang for “backstabber”

This happened a while ago, around the time that I had my most emotionally satisfying relationship. In a nutshell, she was only going to be in Perth for 6 weeks and the fact that a guy friend at the time would try to get with her was funny.

Not ha-ha funny as you would have gathered, but just plain illogical. Here’s how it happened. The second time that I had went out with her, we bumped into him at the club. I had known him for quite some time now, and we always went out for drinks together.

He approached me and asked if he could buy her a drink and take her out for supper after. At the time, I didn’t think that she owed me anything that she had to stay with me the whole night.

So I said to him,

Yeah, good luck.

We partied the night away and then them two went for supper without me – I just said I was tired and will see them the next night. The morning after, she called me and asked, “Was that guy your friend?” I said, “Yeah. Why?”

He said some really negative things about you.
Such as?
Silly things like you’re short and that you smoke. And why am I with you.
He did?

I laughed, more out of bewilderment than anything. At first, it was because of how low those remarks were. And secondly, “Why? What’s the point?” I mean why would he trash the friendship over something so temporary? I never bothered to ask him about it and that was the end of the friendship. Though I still see him around the place from time to time. We can make small talk but that was as far as it goes.

Shame really. He did a stupid thing, didn’t he?


These are my rules when it comes to women and guy friends:

  1. If he had approached her first, then she’s off limits until he fails.
  2. And if I wanted to have a go next, I would be upfront to him about it.
  3. The exception to the rule is that she chooses me instead, despite me not doing anything. Again, I’d be upfront to him about it.
  4. She was his ex. Once again, honest communication. “I value the friendship but we have feelings for each other” etc. I wouldn’t rub it in his face and I would make an effort to remain neutral.
  5. If she was my ex. Same as the above. She may not want me to find out, but I expect him as a friend to let me know about it before I had to see it in front of my eyes. I don’t like any sneaking around.
  6. Women are not men’s properties, she can make up her own mind about us. I will not place blame on a friend just because the girl I like fancies him more. I expect the same from him.
  7. If you behaved like the guy in my story above, then the friendship is over. “Bros before hos”.
  8. And if you don’t believe in “bros before hos”, and you were going to screw me over anyway, at least be honest about it.

Bonus question to you: men or women, would you date the ex of a friend? How about the friend of an ex? And how would you go about it? Discuss. 🙂

22 thoughts on “Bros before Hos

  1. Papa

    Sorry to hear what your friend did, but the way he’s going I don’t think he’s going to have too many friends left, or the friends he’s going to be left with are beta backstabbing chumps.

    I’ve never met a woman, when I was single, who was my friend’s ex, that I wanted to date. If there was I definitely would have spoken to him about it first. Even before the term “Bros before Ho’s” was coined, it was already in effect.

    Would I date the friend of an ex? Sure, but I’d have to talk it out with the Ex about it so there’s no surprises.

    Reply
  2. alyndabear

    I’ve never had the ex thing happen to anyone close to me before, but I don’t know – unless there was a connection too perfect to miss, I would be steering clear. I’d hate to jeopardise a friendship.

    Reply
  3. mooiness Post author

    mf: good logic!

    nadnut: that makes sense too, that ex-es are ex-es. And friends ARE always more important in my book, unless it’s a long term relationship already. 😉

    Papa: yeah I think being honest and upfront will remove a lot of potential problems. Then again, it’s hard to say when emotions are involved.

    alyndabear: it’s good to hear everyone here valuing the friendship more. It’s not that hard to find a good lay, but it’s hard to find a good friend. 😛

    Reply
  4. yurl

    I dated a mates ex and wondered why we drifted apart. then after we broke up she went out with another mate (she got around) and I did feel uncomfortable even though I had no logical reasons. I had illogical possessive feelings despite being in another relationship and the breakup with her being rather nasty.
    What your mate did to you was inexcusable though. Its not so much he went after the same girl, but the fact that he would trash you to win her is breaking the code of honour.
    definitely Bros before Hos.

    Reply
  5. mooiness Post author

    Lupin: take your time, but it isn’t that hard is it?

    yurl: yeah exactly, I didn’t really care about him going after the same girl or whatever – may the best man win and all that. It’s just the way he did it. Instead of trumpeting his own virtues, he trashes me.

    steph: heheh. Catchy title no?! Yeah I agree that dating a friend’s ex would open up new problems but some times you can’t help how you feel. In those cases, I would like to think that it’s workable as long as everyone’s honest about it and know where they stand.

    Reply
  6. blur ting

    For some reason, I always treat the male friends of my bf as purely friendship material, never as potential boyfriends. SO, even if I am no longer together with my bf, I’d look elsewhere.

    But I have known several cases of guys going after their mate’s gf. Many years ago, my female colleague’s bf (Len) was going to UK for studies. Before he left, he told his best friend (Merv)to ‘take care’ of her and guess what, Merv eventually hooked up with her and they got married. I was so mad with Merv!

    I think no matter how tough it is to face their friend, they should be upfront about it first or they’ll lose the friendship. But to backstab and poison is really an evil thing to do.

    Reply
  7. girlstar7

    Friend’s ex – general rule is no, but depends on a number of things.
    1). how long ago they broke up – if they broke up when you guys were still in high school then they’re more likely to be cool with it than if they broke up 2 weeks ago. hooking up with a friend’s ex too soon after the break-up is a bit of a no-no.
    2). how long-term/serious the relationship was – if they went out for 5 years and were practically married that’s a lot more harsh than if they went out for a month and it was more of a fling.
    3). how your friend felt about that person – if your friend thought the ex was the love of his/her life and got really depressed about the break-up and took ages to get over him/her and talks about him/her constantly, it’s probably not a good idea to make a move! but if your friend wasn’t that serious or keen about him/her, it’s a different story.
    Also, it depends how strong your feelings are, and if it’s worth potentially losing a friendship over. That’s my say on the issue anyway 🙂

    Reply
  8. mooiness Post author

    blur ting: keeping the friends pool and lovers pool separate is generally a good idea anyway. No conflicts of loyalty etc.

    As for your colleague’s story, I’ve seen that happen TOO often. Haven’t these ppl watch soap operas??? 😛

    ront: yeah but it’s an easy one. Heheh.

    girlstar7: I agree with all your points and how you analysed it. Easiest way? Don’t even contemplate it. But as I’ve said above, sometimes you just can’t help how you feel.

    anjali: hahah that seems like the consensus. And thanks for reading and linking! 🙂

    Reply
  9. mae

    Something like “Chicks before dicks” for us girls . 😛 Haha Urm, yeah I don’t know, I’ve never been in that situation but I very rarely find myself attracted to someone who is an ex of a close friend. Maybe it helps that all of us have vastly different taste.

    Reply
  10. sourrain

    I don’t think its the fact that a friend of mine dates my ex, but that my so-called friend has total disregard for my feelings as a friend?

    If a friend of mine wanted to date my ex (haha, like my exs were good catches) I would be ok with it IF she consults me first. And If I said no (as in I’m still hung up about the ex), I would appreciate if she respects it and don’t date my ex.But honestly, I would’nt mind, but only if they were truthful about it from the very beginning.

    But I won’t ever date an ex of a friend. Its just, odd. Like dating your brother in law or something.

    I think that people who date their friends’ ex know that its not right, but they do it anyway because they desparately believe that they would be oh-so-forever ever happy with this guy that they know less than their friend.Which a friend will never be able to provide.

    Or maybe they’re just horny.Anyway, that’s just a generalization

    Reply
  11. Jeremy

    I totally agree with Girlstar7 if I wanted to do anything. Hell, I wish my old buddy and my ex are following those rules right now and spare a thought for me.

    Personally, I’d prefer if they were upfront with me (separately; I don’t want to be told by them both at the same time). I won’t have a problem if I still had feelings for her and my bud was a great guy. Afterall, as long as they’re both happy, and he treats her well (better than I do for her), I’ll let it go out of love I still have for her and respect for my bro. (This is especially true in my current situation since my ex and I have agreed that we both should just remain friends).

    I’d be upfront with any of my friends if I’m after their ex’s, and fortunately, that I’ve never had to. Maybe it’s because I’ve never considered going out with a friend’s ex.

    As to an ex’s friends, err.. I don’t think I’ve ever been much impressed with any of them before, so I doubt that’d ever happen. If it ever does, I’d think about her feelings then talk to her (if I decide to proceed) about it and seek her permission before trying anything.

    Reply
  12. juji

    Would you date the ex of a friend?
    Depends on the kind of friend.
    If they’re “BFF” (hah, like guys even say that) then probably not. That’s WAY too much trouble. And I don’t think I could get the visual of my friend and current lover bumping uglies. You just don’t want to think that about your friend. Ever. (I don’t, anyway)

    How about the friend of an ex?
    Friend of an ex is probably similar. And I’m really not keen on the potential for awkward social meetings. (Picturing being drunk at a club for some event and spending the whole night freezing outside because I was too scared to face the ex on the arm of their friend)

    And how would you go about it?
    In short … carefully. I’d probably do my best to avoid it.

    Even when people say they’re “cool” with it, they’re usually not. And my own paranoia really makes me uncomfortable with the whole idea.

    Plus … how can one forget all the things you’ve heard/seen when it comes to the ex of a friend? I know I am the go-to girl for many of my friends, and that would just be strange, knowing that much about someone and then hooking up with them.

    “Wow, I hope you’re not as neurotic now that we’re together…” etc

    Reply

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